oh you. stop crying. stop feeling guilty. stop feeling down.
i'm fine you, i'm fine, so you should be too.
i don't like to see you sad like this.
smile, cheer-up.
life's a mess, but from that mess hides true beauty and meaning of life.

now, now you. stop feeling guilty. stop feeling like a fool, because you're not.

you. i'm going to be o.k.
i want you to be o.k too.

everything is going to be fine.
they always will be fine.
cheer-up you.
look on the bright-side of life.

we can't always have what we want.
that's why we should treasure whatever we've got.
guard it with your life.
love it with your heart.

smile ok?
life's too short for sadness.



life, oh life.
oh life,
doo doo doo doo.

~ a singer whose name i forgot~

i'm writing about.. people, laugh!

i love laughing. i love the sound of laughter. i love when people make me laugh. i like to make people laugh. when people laugh, it shows that they are happy. when i laugh, it shows that i am happy. when i laugh, i forget all my worries, my problems, my heartaches. i laugh till i cry, till my tummy cramps and till i am out of breath. i think some people find my laughter annoying and strange, but i don't really care because that's my laughter. but someone told me that he thinks my laughter is sexyyy. haha. funny. that person makes me laugh too. that is how much i love to laugh. and this is why i love to laugh.

p:s/: let's laugh away our troubles together.

i just want to be,
happy

~leona lewis~

i'm writing about... mood swing

you know the feeling of wanting to cry but no actual tears are coming out of you? you just want them to flow out of you but you can't. the tears feel like they are just stuck within you, chocking your heart, drowning your soul.

have you ever felt that way?

i hate feeling that way. i just want to cry. i just want to let my tears flow. i just want my emotions to free themselves from me. i can't bear the burden in my heart anymore. i know i have to be strong but i don't want to pretend that i am weak.

it's killing me. it really is.

i don't know how much longer i could bare putting up smiles and laughing along when my heart feels like it has been bull-dozed by a bull-dozer. i feel like grabbing my heart and pulling it out of my chest so i won't have to feel anything. i will be numb and i will be totally fine feeling that way. i have no sympathy, empathy or apathy.

but i'm not like that. i have emotions and they're very hard to manage and control.

i just want to cry, lash out my anger. but to whom?

no one.
no one in particular.
no one in particular but me.

i'm just sad, down, angry and upset about myself.


p:s/: i think i should be left alone. what do you think?




here i am once again,
i'm torn into pieces.

~behind these hazel eyes,
kelly clarkson~

i'm writing about... stabbed...

speaking in secrets,
whispering lies,
spreading gossips,
exchanging faulty ideas
and messed up truths.

they yield their knives,
and wear masks.
no one would know.
it's their secret.

so they stab,
and stab
and stab
and continue to stab.

the victim does not bleed,
no,
the victim does not bleed.

but the pain,
oh!
the endless, heart-wrenching pain!
it's a suffering like nothing compared.

and it leaves a gaping hole.

the victim does not die,
the victim just suffers.
lost, confused, alone.
the victim suffers.

the attackers will continue to stab
and stab
and stab.

they wear masks.
so it'll be their secret,
a dangerously joyful secret.

i'm writing about... friendship

i've always wondered what it is like to live alone. having no one you care for and you have no one that cares for you. it would be a lonely life yes, but think of all the conflicts you could live without. imagine a world where you don't have to care about other people's problems but only your own. you have absolutely no emotional connections with other people. communication is strictly business and more than that would be considered a sin.

i think some people might find it to be haven. you don't have to burden yourself about other people's problems, people can't find your faults, people won't back-stab and hurt you.

but beyond that, i think we are here, to meet and have friends for the purposes and reasons beyond our knowledge and understanding. we have friends because it is a necessity. we have friends because we need that special someone whom we could trust and be able to hold our grounds for us when other people turn their backs against you. we have friends because we need a shoulder to support us. we have friends because, because we need them. having friends is no longer about wants, it's about needs. it's about being able to share problems, laughter, gossips; about anything at all in this world.

so i that is why sometimes in my wonderment, i would come up with justifications such that has been mentioned above because trully i do NEED a friend, or friends. i can't live without them in my life. basically, i can't live alone.

so 'lantak la' if they still want to talk bad about me, stab my back or whatever that is they do because i as a friend, i don't want to do those things.

i just want to say thank you to all the friends that i have in my life. you guys trully have coloured and still are colouring my life with shades of colours i have never knew existed. i'm sorry for all the wrong things that i have done to you guys. may we continue being friends, till death do us part.


you can sit beside me when the world comes down.

~the all american rejects~

i'm writing about.. the 5th month

for the very first time in my life, i got to celebrate an anniversary. not anyone else's, but my own, with sweetheart. that was why i looked forward to going out with sweetheart on 30.1.2010 because i wanted to celebrate our 5th month together and also to celebrate sweetheart's upcoming 19th birthday.

we had a steamboat because sweetheart promised to bring me to one and walked around the crowded mall. i bought myself a snowcap. we laughed and talked about the other people in our lives . we shared laughter, problems and opinions. i feel much closer to sweetheart now because sweetheart has faith in me and i have faith in sweetheart.

when the two of us are apart, the thing i miss most is the closeness, the warmth and the simple act of talking with sweetheart. on our dates, i would talk as much as i could with sweetheart because not only i could hear, but i could see and feel sweetheart's emotion. i think long-distance makes me appreciate the dates the two of us has gone through together.

it was a short date, i wanted it to be longer, but i got to spend time with sweetheart, and that's all that matters. i got to go out on a date with sweetheart on our 5th month-anniversary.

i'm a sucker for a sweet person. and ritter now has a friend, his name is kilt. <3



how sweet it is to be loved by you,
don't u know darling?

~how sweet it is to be loved by you,
kris allen's version~

i'm writing about.. the end of pangkor.

kei and i slept at about 12 a.m after watching a little bit of t.v. truth be told, if it hadn't rained that night, i wanted to go to the beach and just sit on the sands and listen to the waves as they hit the shore. but i was too tired and i was too afraid of the dark, so instead i fell asleep.

the 2 of us woke up at around 11a.m and by that time, our tummies were already sending signals to our brains saying that food was needed in the system. so we got ready and the girls knocked on our doors inviting us to go for a brunch. after packing our things, the 4 of us marched down the street hunting down for food. we picked this house/food-shop and the ladies who were manning the stalls invited us in and we were instantly attracted to the 'nasi lemak' that that shop was selling. so each one of us picked our plates and our 'lauk' to go with our 'nasi lemak' and we picked a seat and had our breakfast.

it was a quiet brunch as all of us were concentrating on the delicious-ness (as how kei would refer it to as) the 'nasi lemak'. whilst we were enjoying our meal, a group of 'pak ciks' sat down next to our table. when we were done with our meals, we each paid for it and got out of the shop. the 4 of us were discussing about the activities that could be done before we were scheduled to go back to manjung.

"jom rent bicycle nak?" dya said.

"oh my. panas la. motif nak berkayuh basikal under this weather." ema told dya.

"ala. bukan selalu." dya replied.

"kena bayar tak? if kena bayar i tak nak sebab i da tak ade duit da." kei said.

"ala. pinjam la duit kite orang dulu. nanti-nanti bayar la balek." i told kei.

as we were getting further away from the shop, i realized kei was clutching his pockets and looking distracted.

"kenapa kei?" i asked him

"siape ambil phone i? sila kembalikan kepada i sekarang!"

dya, ema and i looked at each other, puzzled.

"kei, kite orang tak ade ambik phone you la." dya said.

"tipu. bagi balek sekarang."

"ya Allah budak ni. i da cakap da kite orang tak ade ambik phone you." dya replied.

"habis tu? mane phone i?"

"mane la kite orang tahu. bukan ade kat you tadi ke?" dya said.

"maybe it's still at the shop kot. jom balek kat shop tu. maybe you left it on the table. sebab the last time i saw it was with your yellow shades and you letak dua-dua atas the table. yellow shades tu ade kat you sekarang. takkan red pouch yang ada phone and pendrive you tak ade kot." ema said.

so the four of us went back to the shop and by the time we reached there, the 4 'pak ciks' who sat next to our table were already gone (macam title lagu kelly clarkson pulak. hahaha). so we asked the ladies who were manning the stalls and they said they haven't seen any red pouch on the table where we sat. we searched and scanned the place for kei's red pouch. disappointed, we decided to walk back to the hotel to see if kei had instead forgotten to bring his red-pouch instead of leaving it on the food-shop's table.

"kei, you rasa you ada bawak tak red-pouch tu?" i asked him.

"i rase ade. tak kan i tinggal kat bilek. oh my. my phone!" kei cried (more like whined actually.)

once we reached our rooms, kei and i checked our room and the red pouch was still no where to be seen. so the 2 of us re-grouped at ema and dya's room and told them the bad news. the 4 of us decided to go back to the food-shop to look for the red-pouch again in case we had missed it the first time. on the way to the shop, i think it was ema who came up with the idea that maybe one of the 'pak ciks' who sat next to our table might've taken the phone by which we hope, by 'accident'. when we reached the shop, we asked the ladies if that knew the 'pak ciks' who sat next to our table. they could only identify one local person and the 4 of were on a mission to hunt that one 'pak cik' down. we found the 'pak cik' at the rental-boat-scuba-place and asked him if he had seen any red-pouch on the table that the 4 of us had eaten. the 'pak cik' denied furiously that he had not seen such a thing.

we came up with a number of theories but the theory that made sense most was that one of the 'pak ciks' or the ladies of the food-shop had taken the red-pouch. we constantly tried dialing for kei's number. the first few times they were ringing tones but after that, the voicemailbox lady's voice was heard on the other line. that means someone must have already either switched the phone off or had thrown away kei's simcard.

"you pegi la bawak kei ke pantai tu and ema dengan i akan cuba carik the pak cik again. mana tau jumpa and we akan beli food. you guys nak apa apa tak?"

i looked at kei and shook my head. so kei and i hung out at the beach while dya and ema went out to search for kei's phone. the two of us sat under the shaded part of the beach and though it was hot, the breeze really helped to cool us down.

"i sumpah, sapa-sapa yang ambik phone i tu, dia tak akan hidup senang. dia mati terbakar dalam neraka, mak bapak dia tak sayang dia, dia akan ada penyakit kulit..." and the list goes on and on and on as kei lashed out his emotions whilst putting curses on whoever whom might've stolen his phone. i just sat and listened and occasionally laughed and calmed kei down but he was pretty bummed out.

"no more pr-ing for you huh kei?" i smiled and laughed. kei just smiled as he looked over to the horizon.

"semua gambar dalam phone i. sape-sape yang curi phone sumpah laknat ....."

dya and ema came back to join us 20 minutes later bearing sad news and it did not help that they did not bring any foods with them but only water. i was hungry so that made me kinda cranky. the 4 of us just sad watching the view and watching kei as he dug and dug and dug the sand as if hoping that his phone could be found buried under it.

but life had to go on and when the 'pak cik' teksi came to pick us up, we said goodbye to pangkor's beach. but before that, we visited a few of pangkor's main attraction.

dya told the 'pak cik' about kei's missing phone and the 'pak cik' was like

''why didn't u kids told me? i know almost everyone here. i could have asked the locals about it.''

kei borrowed ema's phone and decided to write a curse that was probably about 3-4 pages long in b.m and it rhymes too. it involved the words 'neraka', durjana',' sengsara' and some more that i have forgotten and sent it to his number.

the first stop was a chinese temple and it had this mini replica of the great wall of china. dya took shots of ema, i and kei (despite his sadness, he managed to pull off shots like a model). the temple also had a monkey, tortoises farm, a koi pond and a really, really, really huge doorway.

the next place was a fort built by one of the colonialists (the dutch i think, or whatever) and we had some more cam-whoring session there (and there were loads of monkeys too). the coolest thing that happened at the fort was that we came up with names for each one of us based on historical people.

ema- maria montessori
kei- jose rizal
dya- cik siti wan kembang
me- rentap (it's obvious why i got that name)

we came up with utterly weird and meaningless conversations which were utterly funny. jose rizal did a 'magic trick' whereby he caught a butterfly in his hands and acted as if he was reading a spell or something and poof! the butterfly appears. and it was kinda annoying that jose rizal and cik siti wan kembang kept teasing me with maria montessori.

jose rizal: ah rentap, bukan awak menghantar anak-anak ke sekolah maria montessori?

rentap: jose rizal, semenjak bila kah awak mampu bertutur bahasa melayu?

jose rizal: mengapakah awak tidak berpakaian cawat?

rentap: sebab saya orang moden.

jose rizal: awak menghantar anak-anak awak ke sekolah cik montessori sebab awak suka pada nya kan?

maria montessori: oh tidak. rentap menghantar anak-anak nya ke sekolah saya sebab saya seorang ahli psikologis yang berjaya dan sekolah-sekolah saya amat popular.

cik siti wan kembang: oh sebelom kamu berdua ada apa-apa, saya cadangkan agar anda berdua habis lah pembelajaran anda berdua. betul tak jose rizal?

jose rizal: betul. (and que laughter).

and that was how we utterly 'destroyed' our history lessons.

and then the 'pak cik' drove us to this huge rock. it was said that it was a 'batu bersurat' (direct translation, lettered rock). we searched every single inch of the rock and found nothing that could categorize it as a 'batu bersurat'. all we saw was an emblem (maybe that was the stamp or something). we climbed, go through the rock and acted like kids.

lastly, the 'pak cik' dropped us at the harbour and then, we took the ferry back to the mainland. we all said good-bye to fabbie pangkor and our fabbie vacation and also to kei's red pouch. and the 4 of us hopes that we will have another adventure like that in the future.



(on that day, sai called me. it was his birthday and he mms me the pic of the cake he made.)